Today I finally did what I've been thinking about for months. I told my manager at the place I work I need to go to one day a week "for a while". I was nervous (why? I'm not sure), but it went really well. She's recently had her first baby, and she understands now more than ever why the family has to be first, not hidden in the shadow of "the job."

So now, what's next? I'm waiting for an e-mail from a contact I had to do on-line transcriptions. I have another lead about writing for the fair housing commission of my state. My son is in the beginning of forming a "musical" relationship with a couple of guys at our church, and my younger ones are just excited I will be home most mornings when they roll out of bed. I think my older daughter even feels a bit of relief.

I'm going to start walking with a friend on Monday morning -- get this old body as sexy on the outside as I feel on the inside. Soon, spring will be here, and there's the garden, the pool, the parties and campfires ... yeah, I feel kind of relieved, without having totally turned my back on my job.

In many ways, this job "saved" me. Sounds corny, but when I started it, I was still in the throughs of hating where I lived, questioning leaving my family and simply running away. I needed so much more than my happly little life was providing. I needed challenge. I needed to be surrounded by people who were as screwed up as I was. I needed reality -- a slap in the face. I needed grounding and freeing all at the same time.

My job became that. It introduced me to some life long friends. It gave me an environment where I wasn't judged because I was different -- in fact, it became the only place in my life where I was the conservitive! (still cracks me up). It taught me to be intimate with coffee -- an affair I will carry on until the day I die. And it gave me perspective -- something you quickly lose when you surround yourself with "church" people all the time.

So, even though I feel like I'm leaving another "season" of life behind, this time it's on my terms and with my consent. It's like a growing, not a yanking out and cutting away. It's a time of anticipation -- not dread. It's about actually feeling like, for once in my life, I waited on G-d's timing, and while I haven't "perfected" this skill, I'm a little proud of myself for waiting instead of rushing in.

That's it. I have a movie waiting to be watched.