General Tso and Crushed Olives

I got up this morning, did my 2 mile walk, and stopped by the store on the way home. I bought the kids doughnuts (something they don't get very often), and bought myself some frozen General Tso chicken for breakfast. My 10 year old is having a tough time with it, but something about Chinese food in the morning makes me feel adventurous.

Last night, with my group of "Hebrew Hippies," we did this amazing thing. We passed out words, and then (in reflection of the portion of Torah we were studying) used these words to offer pieces of ourselves up to G-d. Words like, "awe," or "creativity," etc. It was a beautiful thing, because it forced us to become just a little more transparent with each other.

When I was talking with my friend yesterday afternoon (while she was planning the evening), I told her, "People will get words of special significance to them --- that's just how G-d works." At that point -- that very moment, I looked at her list and knew what words would come to me.

Sure enough, as we were passing the words around, the one on top when it found me was "trust/faith."I like to say that "faith" is easy for me, because the object of my faith is G-d. I also know that trust is a very, very difficult thing for me because of where I come from and what has happened. I also know "all the answers" the church (organized religion) has for me about forgiveness, "moving on," etc. because I have quoted them to myself countless times. I have it "in my head." But the heart is another story.

So, all these things are mulling about in my mind last night during group. When it came my turn, I simply said, "trust and faith -- two words I don't like a lot." People laughed, and my husband even said, "But she does like the word honesty." Fortunately, my friends let it go at that. I wasn't ready to discuss anything about it -- especially in light of a verse from the portion we read last night.

"You shall command the Israelites to provide you with pure oil of crushed olives for light, to cause it to burn continually [every night]." Exodus 27:20

This is where G-d is giving Moses very specific directions on how the tabernacle (G-d's "dwelling" among the Israel nation while they traveled following the exodus from Egypt) was to be built and maintained. Why would such an obscure verse "speak" to me?

I have this "situation" from growing up. I am among the millions of people who were abused somehow during their childhood. I was not a "worse case scenario," a fact that I have hit myself over the head with thousands of times as I tell myself to "suck it up and get over it." I have never used the situation as an excuse for bad behavior, and have even found myself a little "self righteous" as far as how I have NOT let that fact affect me.

But the older I get, the more it seems to affect me. Everything I have done, every wall I have set up, every rationalization I have held onto for dear life, seems unable to keep this evil, dark thing from showing it's head, like Jack Nicholson in "The Shining." "Here's that hurt, that betrayal, that pain..." it says, smiling and chasing me into still another room.

I thought I could write more about it -- but I can't right now. So, I'll just share what I journaled last night during class:

"Pure oil -- crushed olives -- burn continually"

"Why do those phrases strike me so? Purity ... something I lack. Something I've never really had -- even as a small child. Something I could never treasure, because I was so young when it was stolen from me. The "pure oil" God talks about escapes me. I wonder if I will ever be able to really have pure oil in my life?"Crushed olives -- something broken, mangled, drained of what is precious. That is me. Broken and drained of pure oil. Nothing left to offer to burn in the presence of G-d"Burning continually -- never ceasing. Passion, desire, never dying .... I feel like I have those things, yet they are not kept lit by pure oil. So, what keeps me burning?"

See, I'm not sure why this "thing" keeps coming back to me. Last Sunday, G-d and I spent about an hour talking about "things." Not just this -- but lots of dirty laundry. Things I was sure I was "over," yet in the most unexpected times, they rear their ugly heads. Some business I think I finally took care of ... a past hurt from a former employer, an old relationship that I simply needed to cut out of my heart. But there are others ... and I see the pure oil and crushed olives as a pretty major issue right now.

So, in the midst of all the beautiful things going on in life right now ... the growing of this community I'm a part of, the reaching out, the reacquainting of good friends ... I look into my heart and see the crushed olive I really am. In my brokenness, I cry out to my G-d for healing. And I know He always hears the cries of the oppressed -- even if they are oppressed in their memory. I'm sure there's more here.

But I have to go to work, so it will have to wait for another time.