Trying to come to grips with my "aloneness" issues ...

I often feel I'm on the outside looking in. Call it paranoia, or whatever, it seems that just when I think I'm fitting into a group or situation, something convinces me otherwise.

I have this friend, and he says that I will always be in this position, because I am an observer of life. I see things, and speak bold truth into situations, and most people are not comfortable with that. So, they keep me at a distance, even while trying to portray the exsitence of intimate friendship.

Meanwhile, I most times feel like the kid never picked for baseball.

It's probably not true. But so much goes on that I "feel" like I'm a part of, yet really don't think I am. Perhaps it's my own expectations. I have for so long thought of what "community" and true, intimate relationship (friendship) could be, that I always set myself up for the fall, putting unrealistic expectations on those around me. I'm looking for something that probably cannot be realized on this plain, you know?

You'd never know these things unless we were very close. By all appearanced, I'm a fairly normal, adjusted person. Friendly -- easy to get along with. But so much of it is just, I don't know, an act? I feel close with a few people, but even have a very, very difficult time trusting them. Sometimes, it's easier for me to trust virtual strangers, because if the screw me over, it's to be expected, you know?

I find, overall, we as people are just way too self-centered to move into what I'd call true community and "agape" (unconditional) love. Sometimes, I understand why so many people who do not feel understood on this plain commit suicide, or find their escape in drugs or drink. Sometimes, the pain is too much.

You look at people who seemingly don't know -- or don't care -- and see their lives rushing from one event or one drama to the next... and they are content to live there. Me? I have a tough time of it. I even have a tough time finding someone I can talk to who really, truly understands. I have friends who want to ... but again, I think all of us are too busy and too wrapped up in what we are doing ourselves to truly extend the welcome mat to one another.

I know there are "needy" people who constantly are trying to suck me into their existence. But that's tough for me, because most of them are people who don't want to change. They just want you to validate what they are doing or who they are. If there are issues, they want to blame socitey, or their spouse, or their rotten kids (who of course, they raised) or whatever.

I guess that's what I fear becoming more than an outsider. At least where I am, I find peace occationally with being someone alone. But the thought of being viewed as one who sucks the life out of others, with no regard for them ... that's ghastly. And I know many of these people. I have to deal with some of them on a regular basis. And by the time I give to my husband, and kids, and true friends ... people on the periphial are the last thing I want to deal with.

I heard a speaker say last night that we can, ideally, have about 12 people who are our "true" friends. We have about another 40 we can call aquaintances, and we can identify about 250 people by face. I feel a lot that I'm maxed out on the second two, and have a tough time (sometimes) identifying who I can trust to be a part of the 12.

So, I stay on the outside, where I can protect myself. I look for the true opportunity to be a part of community -- living, breathing, organic life with people who feel the same way I do. I delve into those relationships (now more than ever), and wait for the day when I am "fully known," faults and all. And I praise Yeshua, because He has enabled me to be known of Abba, G-d, fully and without fear.

In that, I can rest and feel welcomed.