Definitions: Easy and Hard

I've come to realize that this "journey" I'm on continues to build with paradox after paradox. One came to light today in a conversation with a friend ...

I believe that a lot of people would view the things I'm learning right now -- the freedom I'm developing -- as a "loss of faith." I've decided to take the "easy" way or the "worldly" way (whatever that is-- since everything belongs to God and everything I do and say should be spiritual). I know people who are sure I've lost it. People who won't discuss these things with me. People who are afraid of my "influence" taking them away from their own faith.

But truth be told, I believe the thing I've given up is the way of the "easy answers" that had been spoon-fed to me throughout my "Christian walk." Instead, I've chosen to walk the "narrow" path of truly searching scripture ... all of scripture, not just the "top ten theological works" of Paul or some other popularized "prayer" or "walk" or whatever Christian media tends to promote or denounce at a certain time.

I'm seeing that a lot of things I thought I believed weren't really scripture at all. Much of it is church-ology, and I'm to a point where I'm understanding that some of what we consider church (i.e. the structured organization) isn't overly biblical to begin with. Much is a structure that gives people control over their belief in God ... if they can "figure" this or that out, somehow they can relate to an unfathomable God that was never meant to be totally understood. Certain beliefs help people hang on to their faith. Never mind whether these beliefs are founded in the Word, if they've been "accepted" into Christian theology for long enough, that's good enough for them. To me, that seems like the easy way -- surrounding yourself with lines that keep you safe within a prescribed limit of what you can readily understand.

I want to live where I don't quite understand it all. I believe God is so big, I shouldn't be able to put it all in a nice, neat theology. I would go so far to say that what I have chosen is the more difficult path.

See, I believe that much of the "structure" we call church has become, through the years, about reducing the true gospel message. We tend to "major on the minors," those external issues and sins that we can easily rally around or point out as faults in those not quite as spiritual as us. The way "they" give their money. The way "they" raise their children. The way "we" won't read this or see that or speak out this potty word. Never mind the "big" issues of divorce, homosexuality, etc. We must simply picket again such things -- calling hated names and making ourselves judge and jury over other people (again, a position reserved for God -- not his followers).

Or what about the holy things given by God in His word? We think that an hour on Sunday morning, and maybe a small group during the week, passes us off as some type of community -- "first century Christians". But I'm finding community is much, much more. And much more difficult than anyone -- including hippy me -- ever dreamed.

Worship has become equated with music. Whatever happened to a life that screams worship every living, breathing step of it's existence? Too metaphysical? Whatever.

Jesus' life and death reduced to the forgiveness of sin... whatever happened to "life to the full?"

Eternity as a choice between burning and treading "streets of gold?" What about when Jesus said that the Kingdom of God -- eternity -- begins right here and right now? And that means we are called to bring heaven to earth ... not just wait for our peaceful time after death.

We say we've gotten "freedom" from Old Testament "law," but in reality, we live more tightly in bondage to our systems of belief than most of us would dare live bound to God. And these systems are often just a shadow, I believe, of what God would really, truly want us to be.

So, the path I'm walking is one of choices -- what is really important? Is it to cling to a theology of belief? Or is it to cling to a theology of relationship? Of action? To believe it's right to "love my neighbor as myself," or to really do it? To not search out all the things that separate us from "them," instead looking for common points and beginning relationships outside my comfortable Christian walls? To think for myself about certain things ... if salvation is only about forgiveness of sin, why do I keep sinning once I've saved? Maybe salvation is more? If Jesus came to start a new religion, why did he only teach and fulfill the faith he was born in -- Judaism? The things he added were deeper, richer, of a higher standard than practiced in his day. But they were still very Hebrew.

I guess I want that kind of faith. To look into the face of what is now, and be able to discern what really matters, in light of Jesus' words -- God's words -- not the acceptable party line. I don't want a reductionist faith anymore. I don't want to simply believe what I'm told. I guess my concept of God has gotten uncontainable in a building or "non-negotiable" theological statement that simply makes other people comfortable. It's OK if that's where they are. But I chose to live somewhere else right now.

And I think this "somewhere else" is closer to the Father than I have ever been before.