Not so much to say ... maybe.

I've been involved in an "on-going" discussion with my husband, and I'm not really sure if I should just "let it go," or if it needs to be resolved, how to do it.

I need to start by saying I deeply love my husband. We've been married almost 20 years now (hard to believe!). He is probably the most compassionate man in the world. He is a "help mate" in the truest sense of the word. He works hard, helps at home, is a good daddy, a caring friend, a good lover. Most of my friends are like, 'Wow! I can't believe he ..." and then go on to list the various attributes my husband embodies. Not perfect -- but truly amazing in the light of most relationships I know.

Recently, we've come into a lot of turmoil, though. I can't say it's because of this or that. In fact, if I could define it, I'd have my answers. But I can't, and I'm growing weary of trying. I guess the base line issue is how we view the definition of "church", maybe.

Most people wouldn't struggle here. No one agrees 100 % on things, lest of all spiritual things. I guess I see it a little different, because "church" (i.e. the organized religious part) has been an overwhelming part of my husband's life forever. Even now, he is a pastor full-time. Jokingly, I say, "Paid pray-eer". And he's very good at what he does. B. is a natural listener ... he'd rather listen than talk, and has very good insight for most people -- especially in the realm of the "structure." He's the proverbial "pastor-shepherd," caring for needy people, helping connect them to whatever they are looking for. He is a conselor by nature, and doesn't mind dealing with people in all situations.

So, I look at this, and I say to myself, "Self, you should be overwhelming appreciative of this man." Ours is a "solid" partnership, you know? When I'm frustrated with "things," I tell him: "We make great business partners, but I was hoping for more in a marriage." Unfair? Probably. Because, as long as things were going along in what perimeters he had set his mind for, we were good -- great.

Sadly, I spent much of my married life simply trying to be that person I believed B. wanted. I did everything that was expected of me. I got married, had four children, named them names he approved (it's a funny story, but one for another blog), spent time being nice to his sometime crazy family, putting up with overwhelming amounts of crap from people at the church (because you know, a pastor's wife is to be see and spit upon -- not heard). I helped him accomplish whatever he felt he needed ... was secretary, teacher, coverer of butt, etc.

And I thought that's all I wanted. Most time, I was happy. I thought I was "doing God's will" and being "obedient to my husband," and the culture I was immersed in applauded the right choices I made. I was conditioned to simply not think anywhere past the approved party line.

But three years ago, that life exploded all over us -- me. And while we began a new journey, with limitless opportunities, B. was not happy until he found himself another situation very close to what he'd always needed. It was "God's will," "God's leading, " etc. And any other time before, I simply would have shut my mouth, acquiested to his desire, and just gone with it. But this time, I thought he was wrong.

Fast forward to about a year ago. Still living with my wounds, but traveled a long way toward healing. I aligned myself with friends from this new structure -- one he was sure we were to join -- and we began a journey together that, day to day, looks a little more like what I think the church should look like. This past year has been amazing -- I've learned and re-learned things, I've made some deep friendships -- some with people before I would have been afraid to have in my home. I believe I've given my kids a broader base of faith -- one that is theirs, not mine.

But with B., it's been more turmoil than the remainder of our lives together combined. I feel a constant struggle. I feel like he doesn't want to really be a part of this life I am. And I know I cannot pretend to accept fully what he is a part of everyday. So far, we've lived within the tension. But it seems more and more difficult. And he "says" all the right things, you know? It's in the middle of heated discussions where I feel like his "true" feelings slip and expose his feelings.

How do you enter into trust again with someone? Or rather, how much common ground do two people need to continue to stand together? I don't want him to change -- for me, anyway. I want him to stay true to who God wants to make him. But my fear is that he is so intent on staying true to who he is comfortable with, that he doesn't really want to look beyond what it to what can be. I told him the other night, "I wish I could paint you a picture ... tell you something that could show you how I see the world... myself ... you.

Then, re-reading this, I think, "I am a selfish person. I should just suck it up and do what I've always done." But I know this longing inside of me will not let that happen.

So, for now, the questions go unanswered. We go on. Trusting God will open hearts --- his or mine -- and showing the way to continue to stand together.