Struggling right now ...

...to find my place. A part of some exciting things in my community ...dreams finding homes, visions going forward, etc. Me? I vacillate between thinking I'm simply lazy (not willing to commit to my own dreams), stupid (unable to come up with anything), or flexible (ready to help anyone with anything that they dream). Most days, I figure I'm all the above.

I did figure out that, part of my problem is I'm afraid to commit to one thing. It frustrates me when, as a younger person, I'd bounce from thing to thing to thing, thinking, "This is the 'best' ever!" I began to view myself (or I was told, maybe) that this kind of life was haphazard. I think this thinking began to grind on me, and I became somewhat "stable" and forgot that, to really accomplish what God has for me, sometimes I had to simply jump -- regardless of how many times it looked or felt like a "false start."

So now, I live between two worlds. I'm in my infancy, really. I feel like, all these people around me have such a better grasp on dreaming and bringing those dreams into reality. Me? Most days I feel like I'm still spinning my wheels.

See, I became an "expert" at living life for everyone else. Now, that I'm in a safe place to be who I should be, I struggle with figuring that out, or even if I really, truly have "permission" to be the person God intended.

On my wrist, I have a tattoo of the Hebrew word, "Teshuvah." Teshuvah is a lot of things ... but the gist of it is to "return to what God's original purpose" for your life. I did it because I feel like I'm in constant need of reminding to do that very thing.

Unfortunately, so far, it feels like the tattoo is little more than symbol for me. I want it to be more ... and maybe, it is, but just not how I imagine it should be. I was talking to my friend, Candy, yesterday, and she said something very wise. Bot she and I feel like we're basically supporting the dreams of the community right now -- and that's great! She said the "support" role keeps her from being arrogant (so funny, because if you knew Candy, that would be the last word you would use to describe her).

Maybe that's what it is for me, too. I'm use to be the mover and shaker ... it's a position I've been thrust in for years. But right now, among the beautiful group of followers I'm in, maybe it's enough to love and support the dreams of others for a while. Maybe, my "job" as Mom for some sixteen years has helped temper me into a person to do just that? By taking the back seat to my kids, I am ready to simply do "whatever" God lays on the hearts of my dearest friends -- encouraging them, loving them, making it happen for me.

We'll see. All I know is that I'm in a place like I've never been before, with people I think I can really trust. I feel like they are my friends with no hidden agendas -- and most days I think they really like me! So, here we go on a very new trust walk kind of life ... Teshuvah ... because I think God intended for us to live in community, trusting others, and working together to bring heaven to earth. Maybe I'm really doing exactly what I'm suppose to be?